Beyond Belief
by Frosted Landscapes
Summary: Karofsky's letter to Kurt before he attempted suicide.


He wishes there were a better way to approach this, without the confrontation. Kurt loves Blaine and he cannot bear it. He's been to the gym on multiple occasions with 'friends' trying to channel the anger in his heart to working out; to bettering himself. But then Kurt lurks in his mind, like an angry scar that refuses to fade, even with time.

It is unlike himself to pen down his thoughts but Karofsky feels the need to remember how much his heart aches, how much he wishes the thoughts would wash away; how much he wishes he would not have this anchor in his heart. It is ironical actually; how he writes this hurt down and yet despises what he is feeling. But the reason for him writing down what he feels is because he wants Kurt to read this confession after he is gone; away from the world of the living. These words aren't for his eyes, they are for Kurt's.

He doesn't know why this has to happen; why his secret was not safe from the ears of his football mates back at school. But either way, the 'friends' he's made under the guise of being a macho man, with large arms and broad shoulders were too 'pure' to accept a gay man as their friend… and quite frankly, his father would be ashamed of having a gay son.

Karofsky shuts his eyes as the tears threaten to spill from his orbs. Life was hard as it is, why did it have to get tougher? He doesn't wish to know and refuses to find out. The thoughts that pass through his mind are about the seemingly endless bullying he had put Kurt Hummel through. For a brief moment he thinks about whether or not he should include an apology to Kurt and then decides that he should.

And so with painfully heartbreaking tapping on his keyboard he types out an apology stating how he regretted doing what he did to Kurt; that as much as he hurt Kurt, he hurt himself more trying to make Kurt's life hell. Karofsky bangs his head on the table as he suppresses the urge to scream. It never occurred to him that hurting somebody would eat you from the inside out. But that is exactly what is happening now.

Slowly, gently, he lifts his heavy body up from his sitting position after he'd saved the document on his computer desktop. He heads for the closet and pulls out the suit his Aunt Helen had given him for his birthday last year. He unzips the bag and pulls out the hanger from within. Inspecting the fabric, Karofsky drags his hand over the material and cough out a cry. His Aunt Helen would be so sad when she finds out that it was her gift he chose to die in.

He removes his clothing and wears the suit. Slowly, meticulously he ensures that all the buttons are in place and the cufflinks in position. And then he chooses between the tie his dad gave him to wear at his grandfather's funeral last year or the tie that came with the suit his Aunt Helen bought him. He chooses the former just because it looks more solemn. And then he climbs up the stool and hangs himself.

* * *

_Dear Kurt, _

_You know I don't really like writing; I'm more of a workout kind of guy. I never really know what to say in letters except that I'm sorry for all the pain I've inflicted on you over the years. I never really meant to hurt anyone, well maybe I did, but not because of what you think. When I hurt you, what I was doing really, was hurting myself and I am sorry that I felt that that was the best way to go about venting my frustrations._

_From an early age we are taught to be respectful of others, to be tolerant, to be accepting. We were taught that the colour of the skin didn't matter, that differences in religion were inconsequential and yet, we let ourselves believe that sexuality is the right way to go about spreading hate. I was naïve, stupid even, in thinking that that was the right thing to do. But Kurt, believe me when I say that every strike I made against you, I was really killing myself._

_Ironical isn't it? Killing myself; chances are, when you read this I am already dead but please know that I love you more than anything in the world and I just wanted you to know how much it kills me to know that you are in love with someone else. What I am feeling now, is pure pain… nothing like I've experienced before; beyond belief. I'm a fag… and quite frankly, I don't think I can really forgive myself for that. I wish I had you strength; enough strength to not only be open to others and have them accept you, but have you accept yourself._

_I wish it were easier done than said rather than the other way around. From here on out, nothing will be easy for you, because of my death my father will hate you, because of my death, the school will pick on you, but be strong Kurt… be strong because I cannot._

_Love Always _

_Dave _

* * *

Kurt looks around himself as the hospital staffs run about and all that runs through his mind is the fact that at the brink of death, Karosky was thinking about him. That is all that really hurts actually. The police found the letter on his desktop when they were doing an investigation and determined that it was safe enough to let it be read by the person it was written for.

Kurt lifts the letter in his hand and reads it for what feels like the twentieth time, truth be told he stopped counting after the eleventh. There is nothing worth killing oneself over; nothing. And to think that Karofsky hurt himself because of the bullying at school, it disgusted him beyond belief. And yet the word around campus is that they wish Karofsky had done it sooner. Kurt shakes his head in disbelief. It was a cruel world but he never thought it was this cruel until now.

He steels himself and then slowly, he opens the door to Karofsky's room. The lights have been turned down; Kurt assumes he is sleeping. Gently, he sits on the chair next to the other boy's bed and places his hand on the football player's hand, surprised when Karofsky open's his eyes and blinks away sleep.

"Kurt?" he says softly and Kurt smiles sadly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you," he says and squeezes the other boy's hand. "But I really wanted to see how you were doing. When your dad called me, I was at McKinley helping out with the Glee club, but I came right away. And I am so, so sorry I never stopped this from happening."

"It's not your fault Kurt; there was nothing you could have done. I deserved this, for what I've done to you, I deserve all of it," he whispers as the tears stream down his face and the hurt becomes all consuming. "I just never wanted any of this to happen you know? I thought I could avoid the confrontation with you and… and Blaine, but then this happened. I'm so sorry; you had to see me like this."

"Dave I…"

"I love you Kurt," he let it sink in for a moment. "I wish you felt the same about me."

"We're friends…"

"That's not what I want to hear," Karofsky whispers softly and Kurt sighs, stretching out his other hand so it holds Karofsky's.

"I know. Get some rest, you need it," and then Kurt disappears through the door, never to be seen by the football player again because he recognizes that in order for Karofsky to move on, he had to remove himself from the other boy's life… but a month later, Karofsky hangs himself again and this time, he is successful.

And all that was found at the scene was this:-

_I wish you didn't leave me when I needed you the most… I'm sorry._

* * *

A/N: I wrote this because I think that it's important, that people, who find themselves in Kurt's position, not avoid their Karofsky, but embrace them. Because disappearing from someone else's life can be more damaging than being in it. So if you find yourself in Kurt's position please be wise.

And yes, in case you're wondering, the name 'Aunt Helen' was chosen in honour of Perks.


End file.
